Your Dad vs. Your Uncle

OK... so here is the debate.... which one is better overall.... your dad or your uncle?
as illustrated by these celebrity chefs:



Anthony Bourdain as "The Uncle"
and
Christopher Kimball as "The Dad"

Both have television shows.

Anthony Bourdain has the travel show "No Reservations," in which he travels around the world (and the country) looking at various forms of grilled meats and drinking indigenous spirits with local chefs who go on and on about how great it is to eat sustainable local produce and that food is made with love.


Christopher Kimball has "America's Test Kitchen," where he walks around a big flowery house in Massachusetts with two fat white women and two hairy gay men who show you how to make recipes you grew up but with two different ingredients.



As you can see Chris Kimball looks like everyones dad... if not your dad, then your buddies dad. He is goofy looking, he wears glasses and a bow tie. He probably has a few too many Heineken's at weddings and does the electric slide with your aunt with the huge titties and the cholesterol problems


Anthony Bourdain looks like everyones cool uncle, the one who still smokes cigarettes and has old Lou Reed records scattered around his flop house apartment. He took you to see Showgirls and still cracks jokes about your mom. He got you drunk for the first time and probably bought you a dirty magazine around the age of 8.


This is a question for the ages but today we will look at DAD
with a recipe from America's Test Kitchen for
Cider Glazed Pork Chops

Here is why I really appreciate Chris Kimball...
the way he approaches a recipe is with the precision and science that only a dad could provide. He is so analytical and technical that if you were to watch his show for more than 45 minutes at a time, you may want to rip your eyeballs out and jam them onto wooden spikes.

However, after 10-20 attempts, the team at the test kitchen really nails down every aspect of a recipe.
Prime example:


So here is the recipe for the glaze. I am not taking credit for this glaze because IT CAME OUT OF THE FUCKING BOOK.
Anyway.... here it is

1/2 cup of cider vinegar
1/3 cup of apple cider (or apple juice)
2 tablespoons of dijon mustard
1 tablespoon of soy sauce
pinch of cayenne pepper

all you have to do is get the right kind of Pork Chops from your butcher at the grocery store

(this is MY butcher)

that means THICK CUT PORK CHOPS... no floppy flimsy baby pork chops

SHAMEFUL!

throw in some vegetable oil and cook one side of the pork chops for about 3-4 minutes on medium-high heat
then flip the chops and cook for 1-2 minutes on the other side.
remove the chops and put them in aluminum foil.
pour off the remaining oil but DO NOT scrape the brown stuff on the bottom of the pan... that is good stuff.
pour in the glaze, using a whisk to break up the brown bits... use the chart to see when the glaze is done.


(Remember this?)

when you've achieved the right level of glaziness... throw the chops (browned side up) back in the pan
along with the juice at the bottom of the foil.

let that hang out for a few minutes, flipping occasionally to get the glaze all up in them chops.
to serve, remove the chops and spoon a healthy portion of the glaze onto the chops.

ITS FUCKING DELICIOUS



and Dad wins this round because....


Dad still bangs your mom

while your uncle still sleeps with whatever this is

THINGS to do while I am at the Glenn Beck rally

A few things to hold you over while
Glenn Beck,

Sarah Palin,

and I

RALLY THE SHIT OUT OF WASHINGTON


first up.....

1. Christopher Walken cooks a Chicken


2. Learn some stuff about Scotch... what all men drink


3. The Lamborghini Gallardo LP 550-2 Valentino Balboni


4. What to call that mess on your face


5. When a woman asks you what the difference between Scotch, Irish, and Bourbon Whiskey


6. Learn the history of the greatest idea ever conceived
The Naked News Network

7. Dont forget about Israeli super model Bar Rafaeli


8. How to start a fire without matches


Enjoy that stuff, I will be back soon to give you a recipe for Meatloaf
I am currently in Washington at the Glenn Beck rally and it is GREAT!

GOD BLESS AMERICA

Happy 4th of July Bro

The time has come for you to break the bonds of your oppression...


No longer will you be a slave to SHITTY HAMBURGERS

Oh no.... you will Do like your fore fathers and GET IT RIGHT!

God Blessed the Burger so I insist that you take the advice one one of the most awesome chefs of all time, Hubert Keller, and
DONT FUCK IT UP!


How to Make a Burger with Hubert Keller

: Don't press down with your spatula!


God Bless America.

Let freedom right bitches.

BASIC Bro-MATO SAUCE

Hey dude, its time for you to learn something that you can use for a lot of different occasions.

The world cup is going on and Italy has basically blown it.
They won in 2006 and lost this year in the QUALIFYING ROUND...


As an American you probably don't understand how embarrassing this is for a country like Italy.
I have been to Italy and they pride themselves on being what they think is the coolest person in the room... everyone is always dressed like this



So to put this in perspective imagine bagging a hot piece of trim like this at the end of the night

only to wake up to this

so to honor this obnoxious flop I give you...

BASIC Bro-MATO SAUCE

INGREDIENTS!

2 - cans of Crushed Tomatoes
1 - small can of tomato paste
1 - bulb of garlic
1 large or 2 small - onions
red wine
extra virgin olive oil
salt & pepper

Time to get down to biznass
1. Listen to Gordy and chop those onions


2. chop the garlic (think of it as a small onion)

3. coat a bottom of a large pot with olive oil (3-5 glugs) and put that on medium heat

4. chuck in the onions, stirring every minute or so until they go transparent

5. add the tomato paste, stirring a bit more frequently

6. when the tomato paste begins to caramelize (turn a little brown) throw in the garlic, once you can smell the garlic and the tomato paste really begins to caramelize.... like 30-45 seconds... hit the mixture with a few solid glugs of wine... this is crucial because it deglazes the pan and picks up all the nice little bits of carmelization on the bottom of the pan... let the mixture cook for another few minutes until the wine has pretty much evaporated, then hit it with some more wine and deglaze again

7. once you have deglazed the mixture twice you can add in your two whole cans of crushed tomatoes.... let the mixture cook together for 10-15 minutes and then serve!

This sauce is great on Pizza, pieces of fried chicken (with mozzarella cheese... makes a wicked chicken parm), with garlic bread, or pretty much anything requiring a marinara sauce....

This recipe makes a big pot of sauce and it freezes perfectly so you can always have some on hand when you need it by stashing some away in the freezer.

oh boy!

Paul Prudhomme's Shrimp, Okra, and Andouille GUM-BRO!

Today we will be honoring our first in the series I will be calling
HERO CHEFS

These are chefs that have left their mark on the world of food and THEY ARE IMPORTANT.
First up is Chef Paul Prudhomme
this man is a giant in preserving the ways of back-water louisiana... when I say giant... I mean look at this guy!

yes... that IS a belt made of giant sausages... gorgeous!

He was a master at convincing rich people to fork over 30 bucks for a dish that costs $3.50 to make at home.

If you like cajun or creole food, I suggest you grab that book wherever you can. I read the whole thing and its amazing.

Today we will be making his recipe for Shrimp, Okra, and Andouille Gumbo!

But before we get started I just want to address the lack of updates recently:

I work for Haliburton. Yea, the ultimate: "banging your wife, shaving your dog, fucking up your couch and sending you the bill" company.



you love it.


We have got our hands into pretty much EVERYTHING from rubber nipples to laser guided missles.
We may have made all of the equipment that is now epically failing in the Gulf of Mexico.
We know its wrong but we just can't stop penetrating the Gulf of Mexico like the social chair penetrated your sister during spring formal 2003.

Anyway, I work in the PR department and have been deflecting all of this oil spill mumbo jumbo onto BP...
It seems that my efforts have been working because my boss just gave me his Masserati for the weekend.

worth it.

So... to honor the Gulf Oil Spill... I feel it wholly appropriate to make up some delicious Gumbo.

Here is your ingredient list with a picture to help:

1/3 cup of lard or shortening
1 stick of butter
2.5 pounds of okra
1 pound of smoked andouille sausage (you could use any smoked pork sausage... like polish or kielbasa) Chopped
1 pound of medium shrimp
1.5 teaspoons of white pepper
1.5 teaspoons of ground red pepper
1 teaspoons of black pepper
2 teaspoons of salt
1 teaspoon of minced garlic
3/4 teaspoon of onion powder
1/2 teaspoon of dried thyme leaves
2 cups of finely chopped onions
2 cups of chopped tomatoes
1 cup of chopped green onions
10 cups of seafood stock
1/4 cup of cooked rice for each plate

Dont forget about these delicious little bastards


There is a lot of ingredients to this dish but its pretty straight forward... however due to the prep work I will say that this recipe is a more advanced recipe that most we have tackled so far... so I will rate this dish a 3/5 Natty Lights for difficulty.

Also, just to let you know, I will not have step by step photos for this one... its pretty easy to figure out and also the mixture starts to kind of look like barf after the tomatoes go in but trust me... the taste is dynamite.

Alright dude... here we go.

1. In a large pot, melt the lard over medium heat. Once it melts, put in 6 cups of the okra (about 3/4 of the okra). Stir the okra every few minutes (about 3-4)... scrape the bottom of the pan when stirring

2. after about 3-4 minutes you should add 3/4 of the black, white and red pepper. Continue stirring the okra until it develops a nice brownness and the sticky parts start to show up

3. Once a nice brownness develops: throw in your onions and continue stirring occasionally for 5 minutes until the onions develop a nice brownness

4. Once that nice brownness develops: throw in your tomatoes and continue stirring and scraping more frequently than before for 8 minutes until the tomatoes start to break down

5. Once the tomatoes begin to break down: add in 2 cups of the seafood stock, the remaining spices (garlic, salt, peppers, thyme, onion powder) and the stick of butter... stirring in to scrape the bottom of the pan

6. Once the butter has melted.... add the remaining 7 cups of seafood stock stirring well... bring that mixture to a boil.... then add in the andouille, stirring it to make sure everything has incorporated evenly

7. Reduce the heat and let the mixture simmer for 45 minutes, stirring it occasionally.

8. Once the time has elapsed... add in the remaining okra.... simmer for another 10 minutes

9. Once the time has elapsed.... add in the shrimp and green onions... return to a boil... once you reach the boil... cut off the heat and remove the pan from the hot burner.

good job.. Your done... it should look something like this


10. Serve over a 1/4 cup of rice and top with chopped green onions

Finger Lickin' Chicken Wings

Alright Bro,
The ice is melting, the sun is shining, the necklines are slowly shrinking, and the pants are quickly creeping up into daisy-dukes.

Don't forget about the TANK TOPS! Oh please dont forget about the tank tops!

It is quickly becoming the best time of the year. Now throw on the Final Four, and crack open a cold one.

Let us honor this Spring time with a bountiful harvest of AWESOME. This recipe is easier to pull off than your roommates sister's bra.


How about some hella tasty... MOTHER F-ING HOT WINGS!


That's right dude. You have no idea at how easy they are to make and you will be sick to your stomach at how much you've been overpaying for these little bastards.
Although a few 'business lunches,' at a particular establishment with an affinity for orange shorts is totally excusable.

INGREDIENTS
10 - chicken wings whole (either get them at the meat counter or pre-packaged)
1 - Large container of PEANUT oil (for frying)
All Purpose Flour
Salt
Pepper
Garlic Powder
Hot Wing Sauce (pre-packaged sauces work fine, but if you want to be hardcore... just combine 1/4 cup of hot sauce and 1/4 cup butter)
[you can also use BBQ Sauce or Teriyaki sauce, if you cant HANDLE the heat.. or they are for your ladyfriend]


TOOLS
1 - Large Pot for frying
1 - Large Bowl
1 - Slotted spoon or Spider (a tool for frying)
Paper towels

So here is what a whole Chicken Wing looks like.


Each one of these whole wings will yield 2 official wings (one LEG portion and one THIGH portion) and 1 useless piece which you will be using to test your oil heat and then throwing away.
Now what is important to understand about making your own wings is that you have to chop each whole wing into usable pieces.
The best way to do this is to find the actual bone separations. Use your chefs knife to slice alone those bone separations.
Now when you open up the whole wing there will be a layer of fat separating the leg and the thigh.
You should look at the wing before blindly hacking at it... if the leg portion isnt as fatty as the thigh, slice so the fat will be on the leg.

So each wing should come out looking like this when you are done.



Once you have separated out all the wing pieces into usable and non-usable portions, it is time to turn your attention to the breading for the wings.
My personal blend goes something like this... 2.5 cups of all purpose flour... heavy on the fresh pepper, garlic powder, paprika, a pinch of sugar, and an over the top amount of SALT.
This is the real trick when frying anything. SALT is your best friend. You are a BRO.. you are healthy and can do with a little salt in your diet.
The final outcome should look something like this


Now stir that son of a bitch up so its mixed up nice and good.

Now that your breading has been prepared and your chicken has been all sliced up... lets put some oil on.

Now... it is important to understand something about HOT OIL.... it is insanely dangerous and can KILL YOU.

I know you just got semi rigid hearing the element of danger is involved but seriously...
stupid people doing stupid thing with hot oil GET KILLED every year.
I do not like losing the few readers I do have so please please please... BE CAREFUL around HOT OIL!

Put enough oil into a large pot about half way up the side and turn the heat on to LOW!
It is incredibly important to start off your oil on low and work your way up if it isnt hot enough and not the other way around.
I almost burned my house down a few years ago doing this backwards... dont be like me...
WEAR THE FLOATIES on this one... trust me


Now... after a few minutes I want you to take one of the useless pieces of chicken that you cut off your wings... dust it with some of the seasoning
and S-L-O-W-L-Y drop it into the hot oil... it should bubble up a little and then calm down... it should take about 2-3 minutes before it floats to the top..
This is how you can tell something has finished cooking in hot oil... when you first put it in the oil it will SINK and when its done it will float.

Take out the cooked piece... if its all burned up.. you did it wrong and need to turn down your heat... if it is raw... turn the heat on dumbass... if it is golden and delicious... good job.

Now you can graduate to the actual wings. I like to do about 4 at a time... anymore than that and the temperature will drop and wont cook the wings properly, any less and your just wasting your time.
When each batch has finished cooking move the wings to a pile of paper towels to dry off. They will end up looking like this.



DAMN THAT LOOKS GOOD.

Now when all your wings are done its time to focus on the sauce.
You have a lot of options at this point... think Buffalo Wild Wings? Yea you can go nuts.
However to remain true to the original wings the standard sauce is LITERALLY exactly the same everywhere.
1 Part : Hot Sauce (like Louisiana Sauce or Texas Pete)
1 Part : Butter
THATS IT.
See....



I also make a BBQ sauce for my old lady cuz she likes it sweet and all that.
1 Part : BBQ Sauce
1 Part : Butter

Just put a little bit of sauce in the bottom of a big bowl and coat the wings.
They should come out looking like this




Serve with a few cold Brews, some celery sticks, and homemade Blue Cheese or Ranch dressing.


Well done dude.... looks like the NCAA Championship game is gonna be at YOUR house this year.

Pan Roasted Chicken with Mashed Potatoes

So just to ease you into the water, I am going to hold your hand on this one and give you a SOFTBALL meal.
As we go along, I will give you more advanced stuff to work with and of course a lot of frattastic favorites.

Lets start out with some Pan Roasted Chicken Breasts with Mashed Potatoes.
Sound pretty good?

ITS EASY.

Just a word before we get started on this recipe. The first few recipes are for one.
If you want to make them for more people... do the math, genius.

INGREDIENTS
1 - Chicken Breast
3-4 - Red Potatoes (depending on size)
Milk
Butter
Salt
Pepper
Garlic Powder
- Optional -
1/4 cup of Frozen Corn
1/4 cup of Frozen Peas

TOOLS
1 - Pot
1 - Pan
1 - Strainer

The first thing to learn about cooking chicken breasts is that they have a funky shape.



See?
When you look at it from the side it looks like an ice cream cone. Why is this worthy of noting? Because if you just threw this into a hot pan it will be overcooked in portions and undercooked in others.
How do we fix this? WE BEAT OUR MEAT! You should be good at this part....

Perv...

Just take something heavy and give the top part of the breast a few thumps until it is a uniform size all around.
DO NOT BEAT TOO HARD, you'll shred the chicken and probably break something... just a few thumps will work.
It should end up looking like this.



Now lets season. A good pinch of Salt, Pepper, and garlic powder on each side.




looks good... now put that aside for a minute while we prep the other stuff.

Take some Red Potatoes (about 3-4 depending on the size)
Chop them into Quarters. Don't worry about peeling them, the skins on Red Potatoes are tasty.



Place them in a pot with enough water to cover the potatoes.
Place that pot on high heat and throw some salt in the water (3-4 pinches).
Once that pot is boiling away, lets move onto the chicken.
Take out a pan big enough to fit the chicken.
Put a healthy spoonful of butter into the pan and turn on the heat to MEDIUM!
When the butter has melted, coat the pan by rotating it around. Once that is done we are ready for the chicken.
Place the breast gently into the pan, then move the pan around with the chicken in it with your hand back and forth... congratulations big guy, your Sauteing!
Let that breast cook on one side for about 3-4 minutes
Flip it over (it should looked like this)




another 3-4 minutes on the uncooked side.
Once that is done, place the chicken on something to cool for 3-4 minutes (if you tried to eat it without letting it rest, it would be really watery and not very tasty).

Now that the chicken is done. Lets finish up those potatoes.
Take a fork and poke at the potatoes, if the fork goes into the potatoes with little to no resistance... your done.
Kill the heat and strain the potatoes.
Once all the water has been dumped out of the pot, put the hot potatoes back into the pan.
Take a Fork and mash up those potatoes (since they are cooked, it should be very easy)
Throw in a healthy spoonful of Butter and a small splash of milk for consistency. Keep mashing.
Salt & Pepper for taste. A little more mashing and your done.

An easy side dish is to defrost 1//4 cup of Frozen Corn and 1/4 cup of Frozen Peas with some butter.



Now look at that! A healthy, easy, and quick recipe.

Good job bro,
I'm proud of you.

You get a gold star.



Next week.... a more advanced recipe!