The Journey Begins

Alright Bro... before we really get into this we've got to start you out with the tools you'll need to really pull this thing off.

You've got a fridge and I can tell you exactly what's in it.

Ketchup
Mustard
Mayo
Pickles
Pepsi 2-liter
BBQ Sauce
Beer
Half a Subway sandwich
and a Mysterious Stain on the bottom

Am I psychic?

No.
So, how the hell did I figure that out?
I am a Bro, dumbass.

Moving on.

Some of these things in your pathetic refrigerator will be helpful but you probably should throw out that sandwich and clean that stain.

Next, you need to take your ass to the store and pick up a few simple and relatively cheap things to really get started.

1. A Chef's Knife. Perferably one that is sharp, wont break under pressure, and can easily be maintained. For beginners I suggest something pretty cheap that you can find in the Kitchen section at your local supermarket, usually around $20. It's a cheap piece of shit, but it will work for now... we will revisit this later.

2. Fresh Produce. I can't really begin to understand how I ever ate food from a can... although Chef Boyardee is one tasty son of a bitch. Its really a no brainer making this upgrade but it really makes all the difference. You pick up two or three fresh vegetables and you can make like 10 different things.

3. Open your eyes, Use your hands, and Breath through your nose. Sounds like something you tell a girl who isn't doing it right. But for real you pervert, you've gotta be able to sense things and anticipate outcomes in the kitchen. You've got to be on some Wu-Tang kung-fu shit. If you aren't prepared for the tasks ahead you will fuck it up... and I'm not having that.

4. Some Pots and Pans. You know the ones your mom bought for you when you moved into your first place? Pots are tall, pans are short, the ones with black stuff on them are non-stick, that is good... it will work.

What you should buy at the grocery store.
Onions (get yellow onions)
Potatoes (get red potatoes)
Garlic (don't get that goofy elephant garlic shit, either... buy powdered garlic if your really lazy.. and your reading this so I know you are)
Frozen Peas and Corn (if you dont like the taste, the peas are great for icing down your balls if you run into your bitchy ex-girlfriend, the one who tried surprised you with lunch at your office when you were plowing your secretary)
Pasta (whatever kind you want, I suggest spagetthi or angel hair)
Bread (Whole grain is good for you, and makes you look sexy if your banging a hippie)
Oil (get a container of Olive Oil and Canola Oil)
Butter (I prefer to use fake butter, but the real thing is tastier)
Kosher Salt & Whole Pepper Corns (your going to need a grinder for that pepper too smart guy)
Eggs (make sure they aren't broken, like that nice glass piece you bought for $150 Junior year)
Cheese (get whatever you want... cheddar is the most versatile)
Milk (it builds strong bones and goes well in your coffee)

MEAT! Fuck Yea man! you didn't think I was gonna make you eat a bunch of vegetables without some fucking meat did you? Hell no!
So get some ground beef (80/20), some chicken breasts (not tenderloins or 'thinly sliced,' those are lies) and whatever else looks good to you (pork chops, turkey sausage, seafood, etc.)

Next stop... a real recipe!