Finger Lickin' Chicken Wings

Alright Bro,
The ice is melting, the sun is shining, the necklines are slowly shrinking, and the pants are quickly creeping up into daisy-dukes.

Don't forget about the TANK TOPS! Oh please dont forget about the tank tops!

It is quickly becoming the best time of the year. Now throw on the Final Four, and crack open a cold one.

Let us honor this Spring time with a bountiful harvest of AWESOME. This recipe is easier to pull off than your roommates sister's bra.


How about some hella tasty... MOTHER F-ING HOT WINGS!


That's right dude. You have no idea at how easy they are to make and you will be sick to your stomach at how much you've been overpaying for these little bastards.
Although a few 'business lunches,' at a particular establishment with an affinity for orange shorts is totally excusable.

INGREDIENTS
10 - chicken wings whole (either get them at the meat counter or pre-packaged)
1 - Large container of PEANUT oil (for frying)
All Purpose Flour
Salt
Pepper
Garlic Powder
Hot Wing Sauce (pre-packaged sauces work fine, but if you want to be hardcore... just combine 1/4 cup of hot sauce and 1/4 cup butter)
[you can also use BBQ Sauce or Teriyaki sauce, if you cant HANDLE the heat.. or they are for your ladyfriend]


TOOLS
1 - Large Pot for frying
1 - Large Bowl
1 - Slotted spoon or Spider (a tool for frying)
Paper towels

So here is what a whole Chicken Wing looks like.


Each one of these whole wings will yield 2 official wings (one LEG portion and one THIGH portion) and 1 useless piece which you will be using to test your oil heat and then throwing away.
Now what is important to understand about making your own wings is that you have to chop each whole wing into usable pieces.
The best way to do this is to find the actual bone separations. Use your chefs knife to slice alone those bone separations.
Now when you open up the whole wing there will be a layer of fat separating the leg and the thigh.
You should look at the wing before blindly hacking at it... if the leg portion isnt as fatty as the thigh, slice so the fat will be on the leg.

So each wing should come out looking like this when you are done.



Once you have separated out all the wing pieces into usable and non-usable portions, it is time to turn your attention to the breading for the wings.
My personal blend goes something like this... 2.5 cups of all purpose flour... heavy on the fresh pepper, garlic powder, paprika, a pinch of sugar, and an over the top amount of SALT.
This is the real trick when frying anything. SALT is your best friend. You are a BRO.. you are healthy and can do with a little salt in your diet.
The final outcome should look something like this


Now stir that son of a bitch up so its mixed up nice and good.

Now that your breading has been prepared and your chicken has been all sliced up... lets put some oil on.

Now... it is important to understand something about HOT OIL.... it is insanely dangerous and can KILL YOU.

I know you just got semi rigid hearing the element of danger is involved but seriously...
stupid people doing stupid thing with hot oil GET KILLED every year.
I do not like losing the few readers I do have so please please please... BE CAREFUL around HOT OIL!

Put enough oil into a large pot about half way up the side and turn the heat on to LOW!
It is incredibly important to start off your oil on low and work your way up if it isnt hot enough and not the other way around.
I almost burned my house down a few years ago doing this backwards... dont be like me...
WEAR THE FLOATIES on this one... trust me


Now... after a few minutes I want you to take one of the useless pieces of chicken that you cut off your wings... dust it with some of the seasoning
and S-L-O-W-L-Y drop it into the hot oil... it should bubble up a little and then calm down... it should take about 2-3 minutes before it floats to the top..
This is how you can tell something has finished cooking in hot oil... when you first put it in the oil it will SINK and when its done it will float.

Take out the cooked piece... if its all burned up.. you did it wrong and need to turn down your heat... if it is raw... turn the heat on dumbass... if it is golden and delicious... good job.

Now you can graduate to the actual wings. I like to do about 4 at a time... anymore than that and the temperature will drop and wont cook the wings properly, any less and your just wasting your time.
When each batch has finished cooking move the wings to a pile of paper towels to dry off. They will end up looking like this.



DAMN THAT LOOKS GOOD.

Now when all your wings are done its time to focus on the sauce.
You have a lot of options at this point... think Buffalo Wild Wings? Yea you can go nuts.
However to remain true to the original wings the standard sauce is LITERALLY exactly the same everywhere.
1 Part : Hot Sauce (like Louisiana Sauce or Texas Pete)
1 Part : Butter
THATS IT.
See....



I also make a BBQ sauce for my old lady cuz she likes it sweet and all that.
1 Part : BBQ Sauce
1 Part : Butter

Just put a little bit of sauce in the bottom of a big bowl and coat the wings.
They should come out looking like this




Serve with a few cold Brews, some celery sticks, and homemade Blue Cheese or Ranch dressing.


Well done dude.... looks like the NCAA Championship game is gonna be at YOUR house this year.

Pan Roasted Chicken with Mashed Potatoes

So just to ease you into the water, I am going to hold your hand on this one and give you a SOFTBALL meal.
As we go along, I will give you more advanced stuff to work with and of course a lot of frattastic favorites.

Lets start out with some Pan Roasted Chicken Breasts with Mashed Potatoes.
Sound pretty good?

ITS EASY.

Just a word before we get started on this recipe. The first few recipes are for one.
If you want to make them for more people... do the math, genius.

INGREDIENTS
1 - Chicken Breast
3-4 - Red Potatoes (depending on size)
Milk
Butter
Salt
Pepper
Garlic Powder
- Optional -
1/4 cup of Frozen Corn
1/4 cup of Frozen Peas

TOOLS
1 - Pot
1 - Pan
1 - Strainer

The first thing to learn about cooking chicken breasts is that they have a funky shape.



See?
When you look at it from the side it looks like an ice cream cone. Why is this worthy of noting? Because if you just threw this into a hot pan it will be overcooked in portions and undercooked in others.
How do we fix this? WE BEAT OUR MEAT! You should be good at this part....

Perv...

Just take something heavy and give the top part of the breast a few thumps until it is a uniform size all around.
DO NOT BEAT TOO HARD, you'll shred the chicken and probably break something... just a few thumps will work.
It should end up looking like this.



Now lets season. A good pinch of Salt, Pepper, and garlic powder on each side.




looks good... now put that aside for a minute while we prep the other stuff.

Take some Red Potatoes (about 3-4 depending on the size)
Chop them into Quarters. Don't worry about peeling them, the skins on Red Potatoes are tasty.



Place them in a pot with enough water to cover the potatoes.
Place that pot on high heat and throw some salt in the water (3-4 pinches).
Once that pot is boiling away, lets move onto the chicken.
Take out a pan big enough to fit the chicken.
Put a healthy spoonful of butter into the pan and turn on the heat to MEDIUM!
When the butter has melted, coat the pan by rotating it around. Once that is done we are ready for the chicken.
Place the breast gently into the pan, then move the pan around with the chicken in it with your hand back and forth... congratulations big guy, your Sauteing!
Let that breast cook on one side for about 3-4 minutes
Flip it over (it should looked like this)




another 3-4 minutes on the uncooked side.
Once that is done, place the chicken on something to cool for 3-4 minutes (if you tried to eat it without letting it rest, it would be really watery and not very tasty).

Now that the chicken is done. Lets finish up those potatoes.
Take a fork and poke at the potatoes, if the fork goes into the potatoes with little to no resistance... your done.
Kill the heat and strain the potatoes.
Once all the water has been dumped out of the pot, put the hot potatoes back into the pan.
Take a Fork and mash up those potatoes (since they are cooked, it should be very easy)
Throw in a healthy spoonful of Butter and a small splash of milk for consistency. Keep mashing.
Salt & Pepper for taste. A little more mashing and your done.

An easy side dish is to defrost 1//4 cup of Frozen Corn and 1/4 cup of Frozen Peas with some butter.



Now look at that! A healthy, easy, and quick recipe.

Good job bro,
I'm proud of you.

You get a gold star.



Next week.... a more advanced recipe!

The Journey Begins

Alright Bro... before we really get into this we've got to start you out with the tools you'll need to really pull this thing off.

You've got a fridge and I can tell you exactly what's in it.

Ketchup
Mustard
Mayo
Pickles
Pepsi 2-liter
BBQ Sauce
Beer
Half a Subway sandwich
and a Mysterious Stain on the bottom

Am I psychic?

No.
So, how the hell did I figure that out?
I am a Bro, dumbass.

Moving on.

Some of these things in your pathetic refrigerator will be helpful but you probably should throw out that sandwich and clean that stain.

Next, you need to take your ass to the store and pick up a few simple and relatively cheap things to really get started.

1. A Chef's Knife. Perferably one that is sharp, wont break under pressure, and can easily be maintained. For beginners I suggest something pretty cheap that you can find in the Kitchen section at your local supermarket, usually around $20. It's a cheap piece of shit, but it will work for now... we will revisit this later.

2. Fresh Produce. I can't really begin to understand how I ever ate food from a can... although Chef Boyardee is one tasty son of a bitch. Its really a no brainer making this upgrade but it really makes all the difference. You pick up two or three fresh vegetables and you can make like 10 different things.

3. Open your eyes, Use your hands, and Breath through your nose. Sounds like something you tell a girl who isn't doing it right. But for real you pervert, you've gotta be able to sense things and anticipate outcomes in the kitchen. You've got to be on some Wu-Tang kung-fu shit. If you aren't prepared for the tasks ahead you will fuck it up... and I'm not having that.

4. Some Pots and Pans. You know the ones your mom bought for you when you moved into your first place? Pots are tall, pans are short, the ones with black stuff on them are non-stick, that is good... it will work.

What you should buy at the grocery store.
Onions (get yellow onions)
Potatoes (get red potatoes)
Garlic (don't get that goofy elephant garlic shit, either... buy powdered garlic if your really lazy.. and your reading this so I know you are)
Frozen Peas and Corn (if you dont like the taste, the peas are great for icing down your balls if you run into your bitchy ex-girlfriend, the one who tried surprised you with lunch at your office when you were plowing your secretary)
Pasta (whatever kind you want, I suggest spagetthi or angel hair)
Bread (Whole grain is good for you, and makes you look sexy if your banging a hippie)
Oil (get a container of Olive Oil and Canola Oil)
Butter (I prefer to use fake butter, but the real thing is tastier)
Kosher Salt & Whole Pepper Corns (your going to need a grinder for that pepper too smart guy)
Eggs (make sure they aren't broken, like that nice glass piece you bought for $150 Junior year)
Cheese (get whatever you want... cheddar is the most versatile)
Milk (it builds strong bones and goes well in your coffee)

MEAT! Fuck Yea man! you didn't think I was gonna make you eat a bunch of vegetables without some fucking meat did you? Hell no!
So get some ground beef (80/20), some chicken breasts (not tenderloins or 'thinly sliced,' those are lies) and whatever else looks good to you (pork chops, turkey sausage, seafood, etc.)

Next stop... a real recipe!